so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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