I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
