New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
