He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
