I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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