if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
