Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
