I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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