Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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