Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
