I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You're like the curious george of whores
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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