why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
COCAINE IS GR8
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
