I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
