There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
