I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
