my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
