Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
