I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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