Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
