Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
