She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
