Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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