I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
