Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
