if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
