when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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