the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
