I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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