I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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