what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
