totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
