Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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