Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
