apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
