our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
