I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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