we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
