I faked an abortion last night.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
