Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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