Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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