i love accidental penises.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
