Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
