Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just invented taco cereal.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
