so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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