You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
