sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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