Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
