I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
