M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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