captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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