In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
